Wednesday, September 24, 1986, was a day that changed my life, perhaps more than any other. Coming off the tennis court, I was told that my husband, John, had called and left a message for me to come right home. Racing through my mind were possible reasons that had made this imperative – it must be something terribly wrong for him to have left that urgent message. I thought of our three children and of other family members. What could be going on?
Arriving home I learned that the older of my two brothers was dead, having taken his own life. I’ll never forget the feeling of disbelief. This could not have happened – not Bill. He was the strong capable one – the person who had the physical and personal magnetism to make everyone look up to him and want to be around him. How could this have happened to him? It was outside the realm of the possible in the world, as I had known it.
My co-workers wrote substitute lesson plans. My church family and other friends cooked, visited, and called to let us know we weren’t alone. I joined a group at Hospice with others who had experienced a suicide of family members. There was no way to make sense of it or to rationalize it – Bill was always the fearless sibling who could do anything. Although I was two years older, it was he who taught me to ride a bike and to swim.
Being with John, my sister, my other brother, my dad, my children and Bill’s son and daughter helped me gradually accept that we could draw strength from each other and try to adjust to the emptiness Bill’s death left. Gradually, God’s quiet voice told me that yes; life would be different, less joyous for now. God was my strength and support. For Bill’s children and my own, I needed to get through the nightmares and empty days. God was there when I called on Him, empowering me to go on. His reassurance made it possible to acknowledge that time would bring a kind of healing that I had never needed before, even though I had experienced the death of a parent and grandparents. Twenty six years later I thank God that I had His “still small voice” through this time that changed my life.
Prayer: Lord, we thank you for the times you answer our prayers with strength and encouragement. Amen.
Prayer Concern: families affected by suicide.
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